Surreal

This is the only word that I can use to describe what has happened in Dave and my life the past couple of months. A week ago last Friday I experienced something that I never thought that I would go through, although logically and statistically, it's not a rare occurrence. Dave and I lost our first baby.

It seems like just yesterday I came home from my waitressing job with a pregnancy test from Target. I was three days late (and I'm never late). As I said to Dave while holding the box, "I just need to know so that I'll sleep better". When those two pink lines quickly appeared, I knew that sleep would be far from the truth that night. When I went back to the basement to tell Dave the news I had no idea what I was thinking or feeling. Dave just looked at me and said "What do you think?" I said "I don't know" and he said, "Well, I'm happy." Then I just started to cry because I was happy to.
It's not like we were completely surprised that we were pregnant (OK - I need to interject here one thing. I always thought it was dumb when people would say "we're pregnant!". I was like (in my head), "We? - um, you - the woman - you are pregnant. Not that dear husband of yours." But I have to admit, when it happened we said "we" and it didn't bother me, because I guess, it's the truth) because we had "pulled the goalie" as some of our friends say, but we were surprised that it happened so quickly. We thought that maybe it would take some time, but it didn't. This pregnancy thing was brand new to us. Sure, we have friends who have kids, and we have nephews, but for us - we were going to be parents - holy crap! The next day Dave was on Amazon.com buying "What to Expect When You're Expecting", "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" and "So My Boys Can Swim".

We waited until we were 8 weeks along to tell our families. We gave them this picture in a frame:

It was so great seeing the reactions from everyone! My grandpa opened the gift and squinted at the picture as he read out loud "What to Expect When You're - OH! Are you?" My mom cried and Dave's mom said over and over again "This is exciting news!". It was wonderful. We started to tell some close friends who were equally excited - they were ready for us to join their life stage.

Then, on Friday, April 11th things weren't right. I made an appointment at the clinic for an ultrasound and a examination. I left work at 11:30 and picked Dave up because we couldn't be at our jobs until the 3:45 appointment. During the ultrasound we were told that there was no heartbeat and that the baby was only developed at 6 weeks and 5 days. I was 9 weeks along on April 11th.

My doctor confirmed the results and we talked about options and sadness and grief and hope. We tentatively scheduled a D&C for that Monday, but my body didn't want to wait for that. So on Saturday, around 10 AM, my baby was removed from my body at the ER.

And now, it's over a week later and it's hard to believe that I was pregnant. Physically, my body is back to normal. And life - well it goes on and normalcy returns as well. I'm working and we're working on the basement and we make dinner and watch TV and rake the yard. Waves of sadness wash over me from time to time - and it does for Dave too. As fast as this pregnancy happened, it ended just as quickly.

Dave and I trust in the Lord. We may not understand why us, why this baby, but we trust in Him and know that we'll be OK. We are feeling and thinking so many different things right now. But the best word to describe it is, really, "surreal".

I'm sad that I won't be able to hold this baby in my arms in November. I'm sad that I won't see him or her smile, or take his/her first steps, hear him/her laugh and the list goes on and on. But what I do find comfort in is that this baby has a soul and is with Jesus now. This brings me comfort and hope.